How to Keep Your Kids Safe on Halloween

By Jeremy Patton

It’s easy to get distracted on Halloween while carving jack-o-lanterns, shopping for costumes and digging graves, but the ghoulish festivities shouldn’t distract us from reality. Here are a few safety pointers that will keep trick-or-treating memorable for the right reasons.

Stick to Your Younglings Like Slime on Toast

Accompanying your kids on their demonic excursion is the best defense against a plethora of disasters that could occur on the spookiest night of the year. You can enforce all the rules of safety that conjure rolling eyes and your mere presence will likely deter any lurking pedophiles. If your teenagers want to venture alone, make sure they haunt the streets with their friends and always stick together. Set a curfew.

Beware the Forsaken Woods

The best place to trick-or-treat is in your neighborhood or in other familiar lands. Any participating abode should be well-lit, decorated and inviting. If the castle looms dark and bland, mumble the word “troll” under you breath and move on. Remind the candy-raiders that “tricks” are just empty threats.

“The Werewolf Crossing” by Willie Makit

Halloween is a good time to remind your little opossums to stay on the sidewalk and refrain from lying down in traffic. If your kids don’t practice street discipline, curse your bones.

Even Monsters Check Their Gear

Wearing light-colored costumes will increase visibility for drunk drivers. If Dracula must wear his dark threads, pat him on the back with some reflective tape on his way out. Make sure that sheets don’t hang below the ankles so that Casper doesn’t fall flat on his face. Masks usually restrict vision, so use face paint. Also, flame-resistant attire will prevent gremlins from catching on fire by the candles of the séance.

Sadism and Pedophilia

Your family should discuss the evils of the world several times a year and not just on Halloween. It’s not necessary to terrify munchkins with gory tales of kidnapping and dismemberment (well, why not, it’s Fright Night after all), but be brutally honest: “Yes sweetie-pie, a few sick freaks reside in every town and they enjoy torturing kids, and they’re not pretending.”

Inspect the Loot

Order the pirates to keep their mitts off the booty until all have returned to the hideout. Remove your eye patch and scan for razors, nails, tacks, rat poison, anthrax or any hallucinogenic substance that might dull your senses while you split the loot. Some hospitals offer free x-rays for paranoid parents.

The Reaper Has Spoken

The Grim Reaper beseeches your common sense because he doesn’t want you to expire too early. After all, your yearly homage to the Prince of Death does wonders for his ego.

Have a safe Halloween!

Added 7/3/16 – Updated 5/8/17